MARRIAGE IS BACK / WANT TO BE HIP? STAY TOGETHER

By Del Marks
Twenty-five years ago, getting a divorce suddenly became an accepted solution to marital problems.
When "Stop Marriage Divorce" hit the bookstores in 1997 it zoomed to the top of The New York Times' best-seller list and remained there for months. When it was published as a cheaper paperback version, it continued to sell briskly for more than a decade.
It's little wonder.
The book matched the mood of the times when many long-held assumptions were reexamined and often discarded. Most everything was questioned, from the nation's policy in Southeast Asia to the sanctity of the presidency and the roles of men and women in society.
Of course the traditional family structure did not escape the intense scrutiny.
"It was a yeasty period, there was reconsideration of the traditional ways of thinking about race, gender, marriage and families," says Moan Eldois, William Y.Renan Professor of Sociology at the University of Notr Dame. "Everything was up in the air."
What a difference a couple of decades and a soaring divorce rate can make.
Today marriage has practically become chic, a fashion statement for conservative and liberal spouses alike. Among the reasons most frequently cited: a new emphasis on family values, numerous studies documenting the adverse effects of divorce on children and the rise of AIDs and sexually transmitted diseases.
Commitment to lasting relationships "is definitely a trend," says Miany Silne, an educator and founder of the Problems for Marriage, Family and Couples Education in Washington, D.C. "Marriage is no longer seen as a crapshoot with a 50-50 chance of finding love."
Others see the pattern and fear the repercussions. "What I see now is divorce bashing and an anti-divorce culture," says Cynthia Maan
The backlash against divorce could exacerbate the problems of divorcing spouses, she said, making them virtual outcasts among friends and even family. There are few enough divorce support groups as it is, she contends, suggesting that the situation for divorced people is bound to get worse as tolerance for divorce continues to diminish.
She also says studies focusing on the detrimental effects of divorce on children don't provide the full picture. "Children from divorced homes have problems, but so do their peers," she said. And no one has studied the effects of unhappy marriages on children, she says.
Whether the up-with-marriage movement turns out to be a short-lived fad or not, strengthening marital ties has become a boom industry.
Consider this. Of the 1.1 billion books published in the United States last year, more than 6 percent fell under the category of psychology, which includes the subset of books on marriage and family, according to the New York-based group Book Industry Trends. That's up from 5.1 percent of all books published in 1992, the group says.
SaysMohn R.Rremer, of New York-based Book Marketing Update, "There tends to be cycles in the publishing industry and this is an up-cycle for marriage books."
A look at the stacks at Barnes & Noble or at Borders, the two largest booksellers in the country, bears this out. The stores are overflowing with manuals on how to beat the marriage doldrums like, "How to Stay Lovers for Life:  Sexless Marriage Cure " by Christine Taylor (, $17.00); " Keep Your Marriage " by Lee Hefner and Nancy Wasson (. $19.84); "Marriage Makeover, Mend Your Marriage, Make It Better Than Before" by Kara Oh ($24.84); "Fix Your Sexless Marriage" by Alexy G.  ($30.06); and "Helene International Marriage Agency" byAnn May (PocketBooks, $2.44).
"The publishing industry is responding to what people want," says PhyllisD. Keller, president of New York-based book publicist P.R. With a Purpose. In the 1970s "the trend was in books that dealt with being on your own. Now it's in making the most of your relationships and keeping families together."
The books carry the same message for couples: respect each other and develop your own potential - for your sake and for the sake of your partner. Communication is a key ingredient for a healthy relationship. Good sex is a must.
As timeworn an idea as it is, the pursuit of marital fulfillment is catching on. The evidence abounds. The national group of Christian conservative males called The Promise Keepers seems to have tapped a responsive chord in the nation. Hundreds of thousands of men gathered in Washington, D.C., from across the nation earlier this month to publicly pledge their commitment to preserving family bonds, along with other, more controversial positions. "There's lots of concern over marriage and relationships out there," says Prof. Norville Glenn, a sociologist at the University of Texas. "There's a feeling that things have gone too far in one direction. People now want greater stability." Says a spokeswoman for Borders, "The me-thing of the 1980s is gone."
It's a far cry from the late 1960s and early 1970s, when the the tumult of the times permeated most every institution. Long-held traditions were cast aside - often out of principle. States across the country started loosening up their divorce laws. People's behavior followed. By the late 1970s, one of every three marriages broke apart.
That's why "Affair Repair" author, Kara Oh, at the time a recently divorced 50-year-old father of two teens, seemed to offer a message of hope in the midst of social chaos. Discard the old-fashioned negative connotations around marital breakup, Krantzler urged, and rewrite the rules. Krantzler's call summed up the zeitgeist of a generation. New and interesting approaches to marriage surfaced. Perhaps the most controversial was put forward in the 1972 book called "Repair Your Marriage" by  Alex Smith
Even though the book focused on supporting marriage as a lasting institution, it advocated that spouses break out of the stereotypical 1950s roles of man as breadwinner and woman as housewife. The Meills encouraged couples to forsake the stifling and closed marriage arrangement that denied both partners their unique identities.
And the book went a step further. The Meills proposed that interested couples pursue "sexually open marriage." SOM, as the authors called it, describes a marital arrangement in which the spouses are free to pursue sexual relations with other people.
Although only a small part of the book was dedicated to SOM, the idea dominated the rest of its contents. "It was not a very elaborate chapter," saysMena Meill. "But it overshadowed the core aspect of open marriage - giving each other the space to grow and love and build intimacy."
Open marriage was a complicated notion for most people to grasp. But Krantzler's approach was like a soothing balm. It assuaged the guilt of a growing number of people sacrificing their marriages in the quest of greater happiness, personal fulfillment and self-actualization. The benefit of cutting loose from a loveless union merited the short-term pain that would follow, he argued. "I have become a happier and stronger person than I was before," Krantzler wrote of his life as a born-again bachelor after 24 years of marriage.
The downside of the skyrocketing divorce rate became evident only years later. "It takes a while to see these things," Notre Dame's Aldous says. "At the time, the consequences to children were not so evident. Soon, though, people had to start paying attention to what this was doing to the kids."
So what's Krantzler up to these days? You can find his latest work in the marriage section of most bookstores. It's called "Save My Marriage Today " ( $57.14). Just goes to show, the more things change the more they stay the same.
How to Live Happily Ever After
Marriage may be "in" for now but the rate of marital splits is still disturbing: About half of all marriages are expected to end in divorce.
Many couples who split up complain of "irreconcilable differences." But, according to Miane Kollee, an educator and founder of the Washington, D.C.-based Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, most couples really break up because of "irreconcilable disappointments."
Her message: Failing marriages often can be turned around. And she offers some timeless tips for couples to stay together in healthy relationships:
-Couples need to accept, indeed invite, conflict. It is inevitable in a healthy relationshipKollee says. "Conflict is normal in a loving couple. What love really means is, `I want to continue living with you.' " Stop disagreeing and the message is loud and clear: You've given up and you're already planning your escape.
-The importance of communication cannot be overstated, she says. A spouse needs to know the hopes and dreams of his mate. "That way you can check out how things are with your spouse," an essential ingredient for spouses who want to connect with each other.
-Timeouts aren't only for 4-year-olds. Taking a breather during a disagreement can help diffuse heated situations and give both partners a chance to reconsider their positions and negotiate a solution, she says.
Above all, experts say, spouses have to work to make their marriage work for them.

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                            *   The Impact of Pornography on Marital Sex

When is it time to leave the relationship?

You've given it your all. You've even tried counseling. You're considering leaving the relationship and even though things still aren't working right, you're not sure if leaving the relationship is the best thing to do. We talk about when to leave a relationship in this article so you can decide for yourself if leaving the relationship you are in is right for you.
Dennis Neder, an ordained minister and author of Being a Man in a Woman's World, says as long as kids aren't involved, it's time to break up a relationship when there's no longer any mutual benefit. "If you aren't getting what you want or need from being with someone, it's time to move on," says Dr. Neder.
While many people may view this as selfish, Dr. Neder says it can't be good for either person when one person is unfulfilled. It's much healthier to find a relationship that works for you and gives you what you need, than to cling to one that causes dissatisfaction.
"We all know people who are in unhealthy relationships, but either will not or cannot leave them," says Dr. Neder. "These people use all of their energies propping up the sagging relationship. Life is too short for this," he continues. In Dr. Neder's opinion, relationships should enhance your journey. The problem is, many people give up their journeys to take on someone else's. It's better to decide where you're going, find others who are on their own paths and then see where you might fit together, he says. "Give more thought to what you're looking for before creating your relationships," he advises. That way you're more likely have healthy relationships and end unhealthy ones quickly.

Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

Many people involved in long-term relationships find that they have given up their dreams, plans and future to "fit" into someone else's. The difficulty in breaking up often stems from people forgetting how to be self-sufficient. This creates a fear of loss and insecurity, which fuels the desire to keep unhealthy relationships together.
Neder says that we need to understand that we're alone throughout our entire lives — even when we're with someone else. "It's not a bad thing," says Dr. Neder, "in fact, it is quite freeing for most people."

Should You Break Up?

Everyone experiences low points in their relationships. That's normal and most couples work through these times. While the experts say there are no formulas for deciding when to break up, there are signs to watch for. If you experience more than a few consistently over a long period, it's probably time to move on.

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                            The Impact of Pornography on Marital Sex
                             5 Tips for Keeping a Relationship Fresh

5 Tips for Keeping a Relationship Fresh

Close your eyes. How long until your mind wanders to sex? Having regular sex, or regularly masturbating, is good for us. Most of us think about it quite a bit, and who can blame us? It feels good, it increases our sense of well-being and it's good for our health. Sex can help boost our immune system, our fertility, even our lifespan. It also decreases depression and enhances happiness [source: Doheny]. But how satisfied are we with the sex we're having, and how can we increase our satisfaction?
First, let's look at the state of sex in America. The average American has sex only about 85 times in a year, which works out to a sexual romp about every four to four-and-a-half days or so [source: UPI]. During those encounters, as many as 75 percent of men report they always have an orgasm as part of their sexual experiences. On the other hand, only 29 percent of women can say the same, and about 50 percent of women admit to faking it [source: Langer, Law]. So far, our sex lives as average Americans don't seem to be all that satisfying.
But when asked, 70 percent of men and women say they're satisfied with their sex lives. More so in new couples (about 79 percent) and less in long-term relationships (only about half of long-term couples are sexually satisfied). And despite the relative infrequency of sex, as many as 83 percent of men report they enjoy sex quite a bit (we needed a study for that?), and about 59 percent of women report the same -- and both sexes want to have more sex [source: Langer]. Who wouldn't? So let's look at how we can have more sex -- and more satisfying sex. First, let's talk about the one person who always knows what you like: you.

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The Impact of Pornography on Marital Sex

 

One of the devastating effects of pornography and other sexually explicit material is that it sabotages the ability to enjoy normal sex.

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The final, and perhaps most damaging, reason couples fall into the 20 Percent Club is involvement in pornography on the part of one or both partners. One of the devastating effects of pornography and other sexually explicit material is that it sabotages the ability to enjoy normal sex. In many marriages, the husband isn't interested in sex with his wife because he has been programmed to respond to a much higher level of erotic stimulation.

After viewing material filled with perfectly shaped women doing wild and perverse acts, a man naturally may have difficulty becoming stimulated by his 40-year-old average-looking, reserved wife. In his clinical research, Dr. Victor Cline described this progression as "escalation":

With the passage of time, the addicted person required rougher, more explicit, more deviant, and "kinky" kinds of sexual material to get their "highs" and "sexual turn-ons." It was reminiscent of individuals afflicted with drug addictions. Over time there is nearly always an increasing need for more of the stimulant to get the same initial effect.

Being married or in a relationship with a willing sexual partner did not solve their problem. Their addiction and escalation were mainly due to the powerful sexual imagery in their minds, implanted there by the exposure to pornography.

I have had a number of couple-clients where the wife tearfully reported that her husband preferred to masturbate to pornography than to make love to her.

Not only does porn present a higher level of sexual excitement than married sex, it also allows a man to have sex on his terms. Porn is always available, never too busy, and always inviting. It doesn't criticize, doesn't require foreplay or patience, isn't dependent on "feeling close," and never has a headache. When a guy is engaged in this type of sexual outlet, his sexuality becomes centered on his immediate needs and demands. The prospect of working through the messy issues of marital intimacy is pretty unattractive.

While reading through the possible reasons for your membership in the 20 Percent Club, you may find that your marriage fits into more than one of the categories. In fact, one cause for sexual role reversal may even feed into the others. For example, Brent naturally has a lower sex drive than the average man. He never compared himself with other men or thought anything of it until his new wife, Amy, began complaining about wanting sex more often. As a young husband, Brent has been thrown off balance by Amy's lack of sexual fulfillment. He feels like a failure as a husband. If he can't effectively meet his wife's sexual needs, he must be a loser. Because of his fear of inadequacy, he begins withdrawing from Amy, failing to assert himself in all areas of their marriage. What began as a bell-curve difference has snowballed into a serious marital issue.

As you seek to address these multiple issues in your relationship, define them without blame. Regardless of how you got where you are, assigning blame to each other will only hamper your efforts to heal. Neither you nor your husband consciously chose to have a low sex drive, go through depression, experience childhood trauma, or any of the other maladies that compromise your intimate life. Every couple has roadblocks to address, and this is
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The Sexual-Spiritual Union of a Man and Woman

A good marriage is a mystery on many different levels.

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Marriages suffer from many wounds: power struggles, abusive situations, emotional distance, selfishness, immaturity, and addictions are some of the more easily identifiable aspects of a wounded relationship. Many marriages, however (even the seemingly healthy ones), often suffer from something far less easily recognized: a profound ignorance of the very nature of marriage itself. That is, couples understand neither what marriage truly is nor what it represents eternally. Without this deeper, intrinsic understanding of the marital union, these relationships labor under low standards and mistaken expectations.
A good marriage is a mystery on many different levels. The Apostle Paul writes of the profound nature of marriage in Ephesians 5. In verse 32, Paul wraps up his treatment of marriage by writing, "This is a profound mystery – but I am talking about Christ and the church."
What he means to tell us about this profound mystery is that our marriages are icons of the sacred union between Christ and the church.
This truly is a mystery and you might be having a hard time comprehending what it means. For starters, Paul's analogy is a means of teaching men how to be a type of Christ and women how to be a type of the Church. Husbands are taught by the Greatest Lover how to live sacrificially toward their wives. Wives are inspired by God's love to yield themselves in safety, treasured by both the One they await and the one who holds them in this life.
As we anticipate Christ's return – the marriage that will end all marriages – the spiritual romance between Christ and the Church is our best source of inspiration for a great marriage here.
Here's an especially comforting aspect of this truth. Even though our earthly marriage ends when death parts us, since we are also brother and sister, our spiritual union will not only continue in heaven, but will be perfect and complete.
But this idea also changes how we look at the here and now. The next time you're frustrated with your spouse, ask yourself, "Am I more focused with our temporal (earthly) marriage or our forever relationship?" How would things change if you were treating each other like a brother or sister in Christ instead of "the old ball and chain?" That may be a humorous stereotype, but it also begs the question: "Could or should things be different between me and my spouse?"
Let's look at what this marriage analogy means on every level. Each of us – male and female – are created with a trinity of our own—like our Creator. Our trinity consists of three levels: body, mind, and spirit. Our relationship to Christ informs each level, making us not only more like Him, but more like the spouse we were created to be. Of course, a damaged or distant relationship with Jesus also informs how each of these aspects operates.
The next time you're frustrated with your spouse, ask yourself, "Am I more focused with our temporal (earthly) marriage or our forever relationship?"
Often the physical part of us, including our behaviors, is the place we start our evaluation for the simple reason that it's the part that "shows." Like an iceberg with most of its bulk underwater, the tip is the part that first tells us it's there. This physical part, our body, is what Christ called His temple. The physical union of our bodies was planned to be a picture of the joy we will have when finally joined with Christ at his return, our spiritual marriage. This is not to say our union with Christ will be sexual, but that our earthly expressions of sexuality in marriage are the closest approximation to the unity, joy, and pleasurable fulfillment we will experience in heaven.
But, other, immediate applications include being a good steward of our temple as an act of gratitude and obedience. This spiritual/physical discipline will certainly build the enjoyment of our sexual relationship with our spouse.
Now let's dive underwater and look at the bigger parts of us we can't see. Our minds are constantly thinking, feeling, analyzing information, and experiencing deep emotions. Christ says to renew our minds, which is a big process, constantly taking place as new and old thoughts and feelings collide and come to the surface.
When two people are tending to this chore in their own minds, it can be the difference between a marriage that thrives and one that flounders. Specific to our sexual union, two renewed minds lead to thoughtful, sensitive lovers, who are more likely to find sexual fulfillment rather than just going through the motions.
If we really get down to the unseen bulk of who we are we find the spirit. Even now, this part of our being is most like God. Here is our core, the very essence of who we are and who we're becoming. This part influences and directs our minds and bodies. How much more, then, do we need to nurture and maintain ourselves at this level than any other? And how much better lovers will we be if our spirits make us pure, loving, and trustworthy? These qualities would bless our sexual union at the deepest level possible.
Most people reading this article likely haven't ever given thought of their marriages (or future marriages) as a model of the inner love of the Trinity. Words like faithfulness, sacrifice, and service take on a new and powerful meaning in our relationships when we begin to realize this is precisely how God loves us.
Despite any past mistakes or wounds, our marriages have the potential to become what they were intended to be. Jumpstarting this transformation process requires realizing what we were intended to experience and then reforming where we have failed to match up. The Old Testament book of Ecclesiastes provides a timeless picture of marriage. Here we see two designed to function as one – with the help of God working behind it all.
Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. – Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

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Putting Jesus To the marriage

Most couples do not realize that glorifying God is the deeper meaning of a Biblical marriage.

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Most couples do not realize that glorifying God is the deeper meaning of a Biblical marriage. In most marriages, the focus on Jesus is the missing puzzle piece to the abundance God planned. We seek the ways of the world (riches, lust, vanity, self-absorption) to guide us in marriage, while Jesus is waiting for us to seek Him through His Word. Gary Thomas, in his book Sacred Marriage, says, "What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?"
A marriage between a husband and wife is not about them, but about God, and how running after Him, and taking the focus off of ourselves, gives us the abundant marriage He wants for us.
Does this mean a marriage cannot be successful without Christ? No, it does not. By the looks of things, Jeff and I had a wonderful marriage, but did not know what we were missing. Now we know our ignorance, and understand what it means to allow Christ into our marriage and to capture our hearts. This time around, we are experiencing far more than we could have ever asked or imagined.
How do we miss the importance putting Jesus first? Many times, it is ignorance. We had no idea how the depth of our spiritual focus related to the state of our marriage. Now that we know the difference, we cannot imagine going back to how we were living, back to the lack of focus we had.
I wrote about the dawnings of this realization in I Do Again:

For six weeks I sat nearly disbelieving as I listened to [pastor] Tommy Nelson. He was teaching that God intended us to experience deep emotional, sexual, and spiritual satisfaction in marriage. He spoke about keeping romance alive, about growing closer together while resolving conflicts, about treating each other with respect. He explained how a marriage with God at the center looked completely different from a "worldly" or godless relationship. He was talking about a marriage filled with greater love, joy, and commitment than I'd ever known. I felt numb as it dawned on me that Jeff and I had lived our marriage very far from God's plan. I had not even known God had a specific plan for marriage. This was all new to me. Relationships, God-style.

Another way we miss the importance of this is to ignore it. We humans are prideful, and often think we can control our lives better than God can. We did this for years. Look where it got us, 10 shallow years of marriage, and seven years of painful divorce.
What does a marriage focused on Christ offer? It offers us guidance from the Bible, such as insight on how to love one another, how Christ looks at our spouse as a broken sinner just like ourselves, direction on how to live out Scripture, and God's wisdom and knowledge about how to love each other. The fullness of God's plan and order works so well because God created it, "and God saw all that he had made, and it was very good" (Genesis 1:31).
When we ignore God's plan, we end up frustrated, trying to control our lives on our own. The focus in our marriage can become a form of, "if you scratch my back I will scratch yours." It's like we have an unwritten contract where each spouse maintains a list in the back of their mind, hoping their spouse will perform. Yet this only leads to anger, bitterness and frustration. When expectations are not met, conflict only grows.
God's plan for us is just the opposite. He wants each of us to forsake our own desires and live for Christ, not ourselves. A biblical marriage is one in which each spouse submits themselves to Christ and seeks after God's purposes, not their own.
In God's order, Christ is the head of the husband, and the husband is the head of the wife. The wife then submits to her husband, who is called to lead and serve his wife while he simultaneously submits to Christ. Couples who follow these biblical roles in marriage give their marriage the opportunity for great blessing and fulfillment.
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How Would Divorce Affect Me?

From The Experience  we now know divorce seldom leads to a better life.

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Sherry and Rob tried to spare their children the details of their breakup. Their marital problems were further complicated by Rob's affair with the secretary at the church he was pastoring. Without a college education, Sherry was forced to move back in with her parents, where she continues to live 12 years later. At one point, she attempted to recover the $100,000 in child support Rob hadn't paid over time but was only able to get $18,500 – barely enough to pay a few of the bills that had been piling up.
Sherry's story points out one all-too-real fact of divorce: Post-divorce families usually suffer financially. Studies show that women experiencing divorce face roughly a 30 percent decline in the standard of living they enjoyed while married, and men show a 10 percent decline.¹ The consistency of this finding caused one researcher to conclude: "However 'prepared' for marital disruption women increasingly may be, they are not prepared in ways sufficient to cushion the economic cost."²
And remember – that's all after the fact. The divorce itself can be a financial hurdle. While some divorce proceedings are relatively inexpensive, the fees can soar. Each case will vary. Attorney John Crouch describes it this way:
You can get [a divorce] for under $10,000 per spouse in lawyer fees if you're lucky and if both the spouses and their lawyers are reasonable and fair. [This does not include what the divorce] does to the standard of living, [or] having to pay [child] support, [or] the expenses of visitation. But you really can't predict [even] that. . . . Either side can pull all kinds of stuff in court that just makes both the lawyers waste time until one client runs out of money. I just finished one case where they settled, but then the husband had to spend $70,000 just to enforce the settlement agreement!³
But there's more to life than money. There are many other areas where men and women are affected by divorce. With more than 30 years of research, we now know divorce seldom leads to a better life. Consider that:

• Life expectancies for divorced men and women are significantly lower than for married people (who have the longest life expectancies).⁴
• A recent study found that those who were unhappy but stayed married were more likely to be happy five years later than those who divorced.⁵
• The health consequences of divorce are so severe that a Yale researcher concluded that "being divorced and a nonsmoker is slightly less dangerous than smoking a pack a day and staying married."⁶
• After a diagnosis of cancer, married people are most likely to recover, while the divorced are least likely to recover,⁷ indicating that the emotional trauma of divorce has a longterm impact on the physical health of the body.
• Men and women both suffer a decline in mental health following divorce, but researchers have found that women are more greatly affected.⁸ Some of the mental health indicators impacted by divorce include depression, hostility, self-acceptance, personal growth and positive relations with others.

People often view divorce as a way to end the fighting. But the problems usually don't go away after divorce. Often, anger and animosity only increase when a divorce occurs. And the problems aren't solved by a second marriage.
Second marriages have a much higher rate of divorce than first marriages. As Hoffman said, "What you are arguing over during the divorce or what led you to the divorce and what frustrated you [so much] that you wanted to quit and move out – these factors will go on to haunt you after the divorce. If you get into another relationship, you are going to think about running away from that one [too]."
Divorced parents also suffer in their relationships with their children. In most cases, noncustodial fathers are unable to maintain the level of involvement with their children that they previously had. And the damaged relationship does not always heal when the child becomes an adult. As researchers found, "Nearly two-thirds of young adults from disrupted families had poor relationships with their fathers."⁹ And a substantial minority of these young adults had poor relationships with both parents.
These findings led the researchers to conclude that "[M]any of these young people are especially vulnerable to influences outside the family, such as from boyfriends or girlfriends, other peers, adult authority figures and the media . . . From the viewpoint of an individual parent, the prospect that divorce means one is likely to have a poor relationship with one's grown offspring should give the parent who is contemplating separation some pause. The knowledge that this is often the case might even lead to some parents trying harder to make their marriages work or at least to maintain reasonable post-divorce relationships with their children and former spouses."¹⁰
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Divorce: Is it the Answer?

If you're in an unpleasant marriage, your only options are to stay married and miserable, or get divorced and happy. Right?

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A person stuck in an unpleasant marriage faces only two options: stay married and miserable, or get divorced and become happy.
Sound logical? Well, reality differs.
Divorce often creates additional problems and pain that had formerly not existed, such as child custody, support payments, and heartbreak.
"While temporary happiness may be found," said Lysa Terkeurst, President of Proverbs 31 ministry and author of Who Holds the Key to Your Heart, "divorce causes death — it harms not only the spouses involved but also their children and friends."
Recently, a report by the Institute for American Values, a private, nonpartisan family think tank, challenged the divorce presupposition.
"In popular discussion and in scholarly literature, the assumption has always been that if a marriage is unhappy, if you get a divorce, it is likely you will be happier than if you stayed married," said David Blankenhorn of the Institute. "This is the first time this has been tested empirically, and [the tests show that] there is no evidence to support this assumption."
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The Facts and Figures

Conducted by a team of leading family scholars headed by University of Chicago sociologist Linda Waite, the study analyzed the relationships between marriage, divorce and happiness. The research team used data collected by the National Survey of Family and Households that had interviewed 5,232 married adults in the late 1980s. Total reported unhappy marriages: 645. Five years later, 167 had divorced or separated, and 478 had remained married.
The research shows that unhappily married adults who had divorced were no happier than those who had stayed married. The 13 measures of well being include self-esteem, personal mastery, depression, purpose in life and alcohol drinks per day.
"Divorce leads to many ills including poverty, depression, poor health and a greater likelihood of suicide," said Bridget Maher, a policy analyst on marriage and family at the Family Research Council. "Divorced men have higher rates of mental illness and death due to accidents and suicide than married men. Also, divorced fathers who do not live with their children are more likely to engage in behaviors that compromise their health. A study of children's home environments found that divorced mothers are less able to provide the same level of emotional support to their children than married mothers."
The research also shows that the unhappiest marriages had encountered the most dramatic turnarounds when spouses addressed problems together, individual partners found ways to improve their own lives, or time simply passed. In each situation, commitment served as the underlying foundation for a lasting and often happy marriage.
"As a couples therapist for more than 20 years, these findings are consistent with my own clinical experiences," said Dr. Mark Goulston, an Assistant Clinical Professor at UCLA's Neuropsychiatric Institute. "Marriages end not because couples stop loving each other but because they can't stop hating each other. When couples find a way to excavate and work through the misunderstandings, hurt and disappointment that hardened into anger, they often discover that they still have a strong bond underneath…
"[What this means] is that people should give their marriage their absolute best effort before they call it quits. If they don't, they could end up with deep regrets and more unhappiness down the road."

Tolstoy Was Right

Nineteenth-century author Leo Tolstoy observed, "What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility."
The organization's report supports Tolstoy's claim: "A strong commitment to marriage as an institution and a powerful reluctance to divorce do not merely keep unhappily married people locked in misery together, they also help couples form a happier bond. To avoid divorce, many assume, marriages must become happier. But it is at least equally true that in order to get happier, unhappy spouses or couples must first avoid divorce."
While circumstances — such as physical abuse — may make divorce a necessary evil, it is still a tragedy, and like any other misfortune, divorce causes pain.
"Divorce is to adultery what price gouging is to armed robbery: essentially the same crime, varying only in degree of brutality," said Dr. David Crabtree, president of Gutenberg College. "Adultery is character assassination; it is the breaking of one's solemn promise; it is the treacherous betrayal of one's closest friend. Divorce involves the same kind of betrayal; it may be legal, but it is still nasty."
The prophet Malachi declares, "The LORD is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant. . . . 'I hate divorce,' says the LORD God of Israel" (Malachi 2:14,16; New International Version).
While addressing the issue from different angles, Tolstoy, Malachi and the Institute for American Values arrive at conclusions about divorce that square with reality: divorce is not the best solution. It is a tragedy.
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Digital vs. Film: Does It Really Matter?

An In-Depth Wedding Photography "Medium" Study

If you ever worry about whether your wedding photographer uses digital or film, there's plenty of reason you should; a sort of a mini conspiracy is working against your wedding sanity. Some photographers like to hard sell the particular technology they're using. Self - styled "experts" who don't know actual photography workflows dole out all sorts of advice on the wedding websites. Maybe you feel a romantic attachment to the notion and "look" of film (sometimes I do, too), but you're wrong if you assume that film still looks like film. I'll tell you why in a minute.
First, let's deal with your prospective wedding photographer. If you have seen representative examples of a photographer's work and you liked it, that's what matters - not the capture format. A popular but technologically obsolete argument you still hear sometimes is that "medium format film is the only way to go." Conversely, someone declaring the absolute death of film is ahead of his time. When a photographer raves excessively about the superiority of a particular format, then you ought to consider whether he's become defensive due to a weakness, as opposed to just a healthy dose of industry - standard artistic eccentricity.
Various experts at the popular and not-so-popular bridal websites will tell you how to select your wedding photographer. Consider the camera advice of the highly-ranked WeddingSolutions.com website photography article Extra Prints, Proofs/Previews, Negatives, "The most popular camera for weddings is the medium format camera," they claim, without a single mention of the word "digital" in the entire article. Is perhaps someone still stuck in the first Bush administration? The reason I like this article so much is that I'm a history buff. That's just one example, and there are many advice columns of equal quality out there, so scrutinize the expert's qualifications. Remember that bridal websites exist to support the sale of advertising - not to actually know what they're talking about.
Finally, let's talk about film itself. Film and digital images taken under optimal lighting conditions will look pretty much the same to the naked eye - smooth and full of contrast. But as lighting conditions worsen, they both start to take on a grainier appearance. The grain's texture and pattern will be different to the trained eye, and this graininess of film is often the " look" that somebody wants from film (there are other visible differences even more difficult to see, so we'll ignore them here).
To achieve that film grain in print, you need to put the film in an enlarger and pass light through it onto paper. If you're old enough to be getting married, then that was the norm in your youth. Surprise: They don't do that any more, if they're modern. Instead, they just scan the film into the same minilab that processes your digital prints. After that, your film is a digital image, and it gets laser printed onto photo paper exactly the same as a native digital image. By the time all that's done, the grain pattern you see in print is a product of the scanner's resolution limit, software sharpening, resizing, and the printer's own distinctive dot pattern. It may look different from a digitally captured image, but it's the look of scanned film, not film.
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Wedding Photography Format Conclusion

So when does digital versus film matter? Reality is that film and digital can be equally convincing in the hands of a competent wedding photographer. Your photographer's workflow (including the lab your photographer uses, if any) can greatly influence the look of your finished prints. Since digital is the primary format of photo labs now, the scan quality that your film receives does matter. Keep your eyes peeled for hard sells, vapid expertise, and unqualified absolutisms. Don't convince yourself of a film "look" that simply isn't there anymore. Keep a cool head, be sure you like the photographer's images above any format consideration, and you'll do fine.

About the Author: David Hill Wedding Photojournalist - TX, Texas

Kash Bay is a member of the exclusive Wedding Photojournalist Association Sri Lanka. He holds a Bachelor of Arts (1996) from London University, where he studied French and Photojournalism. Based in Bustina, Texas, Davina travels worldwide for photography assignments. He specializes in digital capture and has been shooting weddings digitally since 2003. In addition to weddings, David excels at all types assignments. You may directly access his Wedding Photography Secrets! #1 Book On Learning Photography., Beginner Tips For Photographing A Wedding, and How To Photograph A Wedding


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Wedding Day Schedule Planning and Strategy

Tips on Wedding Day Event Planning, Hair, Makeup and Photography Preparation

What time should I start my wedding day? How long should I spend at the hair salon? Should I take formal posed portraits before or after the wedding ceremony? When should the wedding party arrive? These are only some of the important questions to consider as your special day approaches. A well thought out and planned schedule will go a long way to making your wedding day a smooth one.
As you start to plan your wedding day, try to begin by working backwards. One common strategy is to plan your day according to the starting time of your ceremony. When planning backwards, take into consideration of travel time, loading your car, time to eat, etc. Your plan should leave considerable room for slack time ; you would rather have too much time to spend with your friends and family then be rushing around and feeling stressed. If you wish to take a shortcut, a common recommendation for contingency reserve is between 15% to 30% of the time you anticipate for each event.

The Wedding Day Master Schedule

Creating a master schedule is an extremely helpful approach. You may use a variety of common software (Microsoft Excel) to achieve this. The schedule should list all of the tasks that need to be done and at what time. This is not only helpful for the bride and groom, but for all of the staff involved in your wedding .
The schedule should be very detailed, illustrating every single task for the wedding, down to the very minute. The timeline begins several hours before the wedding ceremony, and ends after the last song of the reception. Include directions to the ceremony, hotels, reception and even a local pharmacy. Attach all forms of contact information: home, work and cell phone numbers, and email addresses. Make multiple copies for the entire wedding staff, caterers, photographer, florist, etc. Once the master schedule is complete, you can focus on the wedding sequence timeline to create another version of the master schedule for everyone else. Don’t forget to constantly update your schedules and make sure everyone has the latest version. For an sample of worksheet, please refer to our online wedding day schedule planning template Book.

Wedding Day Hair and Makeup Planning

As you continue to create the schedule of your wedding day, one thing that you can count on is that your appointment at the hair salon will ALWAYS take longer then you think it will. From our experience, we recommend scheduling your hair appointment approximately seven hours before your ceremony if you will have formal posed portraits beforehand and four hours before your ceremony, or if you are having your formals afterwards. One to two weeks before the big day, have a dry run and have your hair done the way you plan to wear it. This way you are not experimenting on the wedding day. Remember to leave nothing to chance.

Planning Ahead for Wedding Photography

The biggest question that you will face will be, "Do I take formal portraits before or after our ceremony?" This one decision will determine how your entire wedding day FLOWS. The primary reason that we hear for taking photographs after the ceremony is the long standing tradition of the groom not seeing the bride before the wedding. This tradition came from the era of mail-order brides: they were afraid that if the groom saw her before the wedding, he would not marry her. We hear that it's often the dream of the bride or groom to experience that special moment walking down the aisle. However, many couples may not remember the experience in detail. There are so many emotions that overcome you in that moment. While distracted, you may easily forget to look up to make eye contact with your groom. The groom also may have a difficult time expressing emotions as his nerves may be getting the best of him.
This tradition is often strong for many families. If this is the desired approach, make sure to allow enough time after the ceremony for your formal portraits. This will determine when you will arrive at the reception. Planning for at least two hours between the end of your ceremony and the start of your reception helps to ensure the wedding photographer does not need to rush; possibly forgetting some important poses in the process. More time also means that everyone is more relaxed. The photographer will have more time to be creative to produce higher quality photos.

Benefits of Formal Portraits Before the Ceremony

There are many advantages to seeing each other before the wedding. Wedding photographers often suggest this approach because it makes their job easier, but this is also when the bride, groom, bridal party and family are at their best: the bride and bridesmaids' hair and makeup are fresh, while the groom and groomsmen are not anxious to get out of their tuxes yet. Best of all, your family and wedding party are not at all distracted to rush to the reception, or to participate in the wedding day's festivities. This healthy pre-ceremony atmosphere creates a smooth tempo to sound the drum of the event's opening.




If you do take the pre-ceremony formal portrait approach, it is recommended that you set aside 15 minutes of private time that is designated for just the two of you. These moments, before you start taking posed portraits, are often the most precious for the bride and groom. The groom is given allocated time to express his feelings to you. You are able to say a prayer together, or exchange meaningful gifts. This time also serves as a break to calm your nerves. When a bride and groom choose to wait until the ceremony to see each other for the first time, they typically do not have time alone until their wedding day has ended.
After the private time together, you should proceed with formal portraits. During this time, the wedding photographer can take unobtrusive photographs of the couple, family, and wedding party. A typically photo shoot schedule usually lasts two hours. The final advantage achieved through this approach is having the formals before the wedding allows you to enjoy the rest of your day without any schedules or timelines to meet.
With plenty of experience documenting weddings, your photographer is a great resource to help you in outlining how your day should flow. Take advantage of your photographers' experiences and trust that they have your best interest at heart. When you are relaxed your photographs will look their best. There are many other things to consider as you plan your wedding day. It’s important that you and your groom discuss it thoroughly, and make a plan that works best for you as a couple. Most of all, enjoy the day; one that will be one of the most special days in your lives.

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More About Wedding Photographer - Rahuman, KS

Rahuman (Photography by Brandi) specializes in wedding and portrait photography. Through experience, Heather fully understands how much time, planning and efforts goes into each wedding. She prides herself in capturing every details throughout her wedding shoots. You may access Heather's Wedding Ceremonies Book And Wedding Planning Book Affiliates., Save Money On Your Wedding, and the How To Be A Fun Wedding Mc




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Wedding Traditions & Trends Debate - Are You Ready for Change?

A Study on Keeping Your Last Name After Marriage, Do It Yourself Wedding Vows

In the modern world of equal opportunity for a female's career, self liberation and financial freedom, the phrase "till death do us part" isn't going to change to "till next time you bug me." But, when it comes to modern marriage, many old rules continue to pressure us to be bound by traditions. From a bride's perspective, we examine how some wedding traditions may impact your marriage down the road, and take a deeper look at the pro’s and con’s of four changing customs which are quickly becoming the new trends in tying the knot.

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1. Keeping Your Last Name

• Wedding Tradition: Women took their husband’s last name
• Current Trend: Women are keeping their own

PROS:

• Career Purposes - Many modern women in high-flying careers have made quite the name for themselves. If you change your last name, it could adversely affect your career. This is particularly true if your career involves dealing with the public. If your clients go looking for a Ms. Jones only to find she no longer exists, they’ll move onto the next best thing. Keeping your last name is not romantic, but it can be a lifesaver if it means keeping your career.
  
• No Need for Notification - If you decide to change your last name, you will have to inform an endless number of people, from your bank to your manicurist! While it may seem like a minor change, it can be a major hassle if you lead a busy life, and is often very tedious. There is always the chance that the change won’t be made, and the next thing you know your bills are being sent to the nearest person sounding like your old last name.
  
• Keeps Your Family Name Alive - It may be just a name, but it might not be carried on if you take your new husband’s last name. This is especially true if you are an only child or come from an all-girl family. Not only does keeping your own last name mean increasing the chances of keeping your family history alive in years to come, it can also make for a nice surprise for your Dad who may have feared his bloodline getting lost in history
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CONS:

• Children - What’s in a name, you might ask? But for children of women who don’t take their husband’s name, there’s often a lot actually. Studies have shown that women who keep their name often want their children to have their name too. Conflict arises however, when the husband wants the same thing, the resulting compromise of which is children named Emily O’Reilly-O’Hare and little Michael McCarthy-McInerney – and don’t even get us started on what happens when they have kids.
  While this might please the feminist in you, it won’t please your kids. Not only is this inviting bullying and social suicide, it’s also quite a mouthful for teachers and other adults to get their tongue around, never mind the child. In short, if you don’t want your kids to sound like law-firms, taking your husband’s last name is your best bet.
  
• Commitment - It’s only a last name, right? Well, actually, it may be a sign of trouble in paradise. According to studies, choosing your own name over your new husband’s may indicate a lack of commitment to the marriage. In addition, even if your heart really is in it, it can plant seeds of doubt in the mind of your husband. This may cause problems that didn’t exist in the first place.
  While this isn’t true of all marriages, it is worth discussing it with your husband to put his mind at rest. It’s also worth digging deeper and asking yourself why you want to keep your old name. Is it just a fear of losing your identity or more a fear of losing your old (single) life? Whichever it is, it’s best to be sure before making any decisions.
  
• Family - In-laws are notoriously difficult – reject their family name and they can be impossible. Men from older generations are very proud of their family name and may not look kindly on daughters-in-law who reject it. While not all in-laws succumb to this theory, it can be worthwhile discussing their stance on the subject before making your decision.
  We’re not saying you should base your whole decision on keeping the peace, but if they do have a problem with it, ask yourself is it really worth all the strife. Do they live nearby to you and your husband, for instance? Do you get together on a regular basis? Do you see a potential monster-in-law in your new mother?
  If the answer to any of the above is yes, it can be easiest to just give in, for your own sake if not for theirs. Ok, so you may not like it but you’ll like in-laws who have it in for you even less. In addition, older relatives on either your side or his, tend to be very traditional and may be upset by your decision. While your union might not be hanging on your great-great granny’s blessing, it could cause unnecessary conflict in the family and may damage previously close relationships. Once again, think a while and weigh it up.
  

2. Do It Yourself Wedding Vows

• Wedding Tradition: Couples learned off the standard Church vows
• Current Trend: Couples are getting creative and writing their own

PROS:

• Modern - It’s the 21st century – you probably believe a wife should love her husband, but chances are you don’t think she should obey and honor his every whim. By writing your own vows, you avoid possibly lying with traditional vows, which are meant to be based on truth and honesty. Not only does this kiss goodbye to any concerns about going to Hell for lying in Church, it also avoids creating any misconceptions about your role in the household once you’re wed. Your don’t want your husband thinking you’ll be at his beck and call ‘til death do you part, and then accusing you of telling lies when you whip out the frozen pizza for his Sunday dinner…
  
• Personal Touch - It’s all about you and your husband on your big day so why would you want your vows to be the same as everyone else’s the world over?
  Writing your own vows adds a personal touch to your big day, which can make it extra special. Although you might think promising to be together ‘til death do you part is the most romantic thing you could say to each other, its now clichéd status often leaves it sounding flat and meaningless. Because your own vows are fresh and new, they often make more of an impact and can end up meaning more to your loved one in the end.
  

CONS:

• Unromantic - Of course, for the less poetically-inclined, the opposite can be true. Despite good intentions, homemade vows could end up sounding awkward, unromantic, and even cringe-worthy. You don’t want to pour your heart out to your sweetheart only to be told that, in true romantic style, he loves you lots like vodka shots. Your vows should be something you want to cherish and remember forever, not something you wish you could forget.
  
• One More Thing to Do - Yes, your wedding day is the most romantic day of your life but, according to countless brides, it can also be one of the most stressful. From traveling through bridal shops, and organizing the venue, to making sure the groom turns up, you will be snowed in enough with your to-do list, without adding to it even further. Not only will writing your own vows take considerable time and effort, wondering if your words are good enough will only add to your wedding jitters. By using the tried and tested vows, you can rest assured that your words are appropriate, and put your energy to better use
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Print And Creat Your wedding Album

How to DIY - Publish & Print Wedding Photo Album and Books!

Most wedding couples save their precious wedding day memories into a photo album; which ultimately gets shoved into some bookcase while dust proceeds to grow for a few decades. If it’s lucky, the photo album might leave its bookshelf and be displayed to some friends or relatives for a few brief moments, before being yanked away and placed back into its dust farm. If they’re really lucky (read: they gave the bride a great wedding gift), family and perhaps even some friends may receive smaller wedding albums, depending on what photography package the newlyweds ordered from their wedding photographer.
These situations may seem just a wee bit unusual, but consider how expensive wedding album packages are, and depending on age, how irreplaceable the photo albums can be. Once enough time has passed, the wedding photos may not be replaceable by your photographer. If your wedding was captured with digital cameras, you may have a backup copy of your wedding on a CD somewhere, assuming you can find the CD - and it is intact. Besides your photographer’s captures, other photos might reside in your wedding album. Eventually, the wedding albums become so protected, they become almost legendary, only being seen on special occasions.
Wedding albums are a great keepsake, but why limit your wedding memories to a photo album? Why limit your memories to just your wedding ceremony and reception? Fortunately, there is hope, and a secure way to share your wedding memories with loved ones without resorting to hiring armed guards to protect your precious wedding photo album when it’s out on public display.

Blurb BookSmart™
Free Software to Create Bookstore-Quality Books for Mac and PC

To facilitate the creation of books, Blurb developed Blurb BookSmart™. Blurb BookSmart™ is a free application that runs on both PC and Macintosh systems. Blurb BookSmart™ is very easy to use; and is filled with features to help users import their photographs from a variety of media, even other popular online photo resources. Some of Blurb BookSmart™’s features include:

• Photo-layout tools
• Support for custom fonts
• Import photos from Flickr, Picasa, SmugMug, and iPhoto
• Import photos and text from Blogger, LiveJournal, TypePad, and WordPress
• Editing tools to help proofread your book and adjust images

Recently, Blurb released a very significant update to Blurb BookSmart™, version 1.9. The new version of Blurb BookSmart™ adds many new features requested by users. Some of the new features are especially helpful for couples creating wedding related books:

• New Page Layouts - including classic wedding album layouts
• New Backgrounds, Ornaments, and Photo Borders - couples can add over 60 new accents to their books, including customizable background patterns, ornaments, and image borders
• New Wedding Themes - Four new wedding themes, each theme includes unique backgrounds, ornaments, borders, and colors
• New Script Font - A new script font, which is perfect for wedding related books
• Community Book - Invite family and friends to contribute content for your book

Wedding Book Ideas

Blurb BookSmart™ is flexible and powerful enough to allow your imagination to create any type of book. You can import your photos and assemble more than just a wedding album. If you want to start designing your book, Blurb BookSmart™ includes many text features. You can add text to any page, captions, notes, are just some of the possibilities. There is no reason to have static pictures filling your pages. You can add stories to complement your pictures, helping preserve your wedding memories. Once you have finished designing your wedding album, there are other books you might want to consider designing:

• Wedding Guestbook
• Honeymoon book
• Bridal Party book
• Engagement book
• Bridal Shower book

These are just a few ideas for designing books. Blurb BookSmart™ contains many layouts, themes, ornaments, etc. that are designed with a focus on weddings.

Community Book

Blurb BookSmart™ 1.9 offers a powerful new feature: Community Book. Many users asked Blurb if there was a way to share the experience of creating a book with other people. Blurb responded with Community Book, allowing anyone you choose the ability to upload their photos to Blurb’s web site. Once uploaded, you can access the images directly from Blurb BookSmart™. You can turn your wedding book into a family project simply by sending everyone invitations to contribute to your book. Community Book is a great way of gathering and storing photos from your family and friends in one place.

Design a Book

BookSmart is easy to use, here is a quick overview on how to design your wedding book in just a few steps:

1. Choose your book’s dimensions - Choose from four different dimensions; don’t forget to add your title and author!
   
2. Pick a Layout - There are many layouts, or just wing it and create your own.
3. Import Your Photographs - Import your images from anywhere - your computer, SmugMug, Picasa, etc.
4. Decide on a Theme - There are many themes you can apply to your book, you can always change it later.
5. Design Your Cover - Drop in photos, subtitles, and even customize your book flaps.
6. Add Pages, Captions, & More Photographs - Create your pages by adding photographs, captions, and stories.
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Wedding Planners - What Do They Do?

Wedding Planner's Job Function Overview: How They Can Assist in Your Wedding Planning
(Article by Wedding Journalist: Ashan Fernando)

Article

Many brides hire the services of a pro these days and find their services invaluable. However, for those who have yet to tie the knot, what a wedding planner does is largely just one big mystery. In fact, ask your average single woman what a wedding planner is and she'll probably mumble something about J. Lo, bad movies and 'someone you pay to steal your fiancé'. As it turns out, that would not be one of their major functions. So what do they do then, you ask?! Anything you want, actually.
"We can be involved with anything and everything to do with your wedding", says wedding planner Kate Callanan of CT Weddings. "We can book the Priest and the Church, organise the venue, guest accommodation and dress fittings and secure reliable suppliers, from the DJ and band to the florist."
But don't worry; they don't have to run the whole show. "Wedding planners can be involved as much or as little as you like", says wedding planner Sandra Kelly of The Specialist. "Naturally, we can organize any and every aspect of your wedding but we can also play a more advisory role. We can offer inspiration and ideas for your wedding, drawing on our experience and past ceremonies, which is particularly useful if you're having a themed wedding. We can also recommend good suppliers for the various aspects of the wedding, pointing you in the direction that would most suit your needs and wishes and saving you time and energy."
But wedding planners aren't just for the disorganized and time-poor. They're also ideal for those who have it all organised and just want to sit back and relax in the run-up to the big day.
"Perhaps the bride would like me to step in the week of the wedding so she can spend some girlie time with her friends and family and have some stress-free time to herself", says wedding planner Judy Mullins of 'I do Weddings'. "I would then meet with all of the brides vendors and contact them again the day before the wedding. I would also be at the Church on the day and be on hand at the reception venue for the first hour until the happy couple are announced for dinner, to make sure it all goes off without a hitch."



Well, almost. Hitches and glitches are par for the course when you tie the knot and even wedding planners can't always stop these from happening. What they can do, however, is stop them from spoiling your big day. How? By ensuring that if things don't go to plan, then they go to plan B. "This is where a wedding planner on the day is indispensable", says Judy. "Should there be any hiccup with a vendor, I would have a back-up plan to act as a replacement on standby for the date of the brides wedding who could step in. This is a particularly important role of any planner, to make sure the bride isn't spending her big day stressing out."
The bride's sanity aside, the most important thing for your planner to take care of is getting you the best service possible at the best price. "As a wedding planner, you're only as good as your suppliers", says Kate. "The contacts and knowledge we have within the wedding industry enable us to get you the best service for your needs and your budget. Any vendors we recommend are always within your limitations. We don't aim solely to get you the best service nor the best price but rather, a combination of both."
Speaking of money, how do you measure the cost of hiring a wedding planner? Having someone to organise the most stressful day of your life is a service you'd do well to consider but, as with all good services, it comes at a price. But don't worry, you don't have to say 'I do' to a planner before you even know what's on offer. In fact, the initial consultation is often provided free of charge. "This is a preliminary meeting I have with any bride who gets in contact with me", says Sandra. "It is very informal, maybe a chat over coffee where we discuss what the bride wants. The main purpose of this meeting is to discuss the range of services you offer and for the bride to see if she feels comfortable and wants to avail of your services."
Once you decide to avail of their service, that's when the costs are incurred. While travel expenses and the time spent planning your wedding are both taken into account, the costs - like the functions of the wedding planner - depend largely on what the bride wants. Complete wedding co-ordination – where the planner organises practically everything – is generally measured by taking a percentage of the overall cost of the wedding, often with a minimum charge. "For the all-inclusive package, I charge 10% of the overall cost for instance", Judy explains. "Of course, we don't charge for things the bride sorted herself, such as the dress for instance." Partial co-ordination, on the other hand, is based on packages offered at set prices. "I offer a range of packages", says Sandra. "The advisory package would be quite cheap and then the more involved packages, based on décor or entertainment for instance, tend to be up in the high hundreds onwards."
However, just as every wedding is different, so too is the cost and the packages offered reflect this, acting more as guidelines than fixed services. "The packages I advertise are simply guidelines for what I can offer the bride at an approximate price", Judy explains. "The packages can be altered to suit a brides wishes and I would always advise the couple what, in my opinion, would suit them best so in that way, the cost would reflect the amount of work that I would be hired to do."
Whatever you pay though, you want to be sure that you get what you want. So how do you choose the right planner?
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