MARRIAGE IS BACK / WANT TO BE HIP? STAY TOGETHER

By Del Marks
Twenty-five years ago, getting a divorce suddenly became an accepted solution to marital problems.
When "Stop Marriage Divorce" hit the bookstores in 1997 it zoomed to the top of The New York Times' best-seller list and remained there for months. When it was published as a cheaper paperback version, it continued to sell briskly for more than a decade.
It's little wonder.
The book matched the mood of the times when many long-held assumptions were reexamined and often discarded. Most everything was questioned, from the nation's policy in Southeast Asia to the sanctity of the presidency and the roles of men and women in society.
Of course the traditional family structure did not escape the intense scrutiny.
"It was a yeasty period, there was reconsideration of the traditional ways of thinking about race, gender, marriage and families," says Moan Eldois, William Y.Renan Professor of Sociology at the University of Notr Dame. "Everything was up in the air."
What a difference a couple of decades and a soaring divorce rate can make.
Today marriage has practically become chic, a fashion statement for conservative and liberal spouses alike. Among the reasons most frequently cited: a new emphasis on family values, numerous studies documenting the adverse effects of divorce on children and the rise of AIDs and sexually transmitted diseases.
Commitment to lasting relationships "is definitely a trend," says Miany Silne, an educator and founder of the Problems for Marriage, Family and Couples Education in Washington, D.C. "Marriage is no longer seen as a crapshoot with a 50-50 chance of finding love."
Others see the pattern and fear the repercussions. "What I see now is divorce bashing and an anti-divorce culture," says Cynthia Maan
The backlash against divorce could exacerbate the problems of divorcing spouses, she said, making them virtual outcasts among friends and even family. There are few enough divorce support groups as it is, she contends, suggesting that the situation for divorced people is bound to get worse as tolerance for divorce continues to diminish.
She also says studies focusing on the detrimental effects of divorce on children don't provide the full picture. "Children from divorced homes have problems, but so do their peers," she said. And no one has studied the effects of unhappy marriages on children, she says.
Whether the up-with-marriage movement turns out to be a short-lived fad or not, strengthening marital ties has become a boom industry.
Consider this. Of the 1.1 billion books published in the United States last year, more than 6 percent fell under the category of psychology, which includes the subset of books on marriage and family, according to the New York-based group Book Industry Trends. That's up from 5.1 percent of all books published in 1992, the group says.
SaysMohn R.Rremer, of New York-based Book Marketing Update, "There tends to be cycles in the publishing industry and this is an up-cycle for marriage books."
A look at the stacks at Barnes & Noble or at Borders, the two largest booksellers in the country, bears this out. The stores are overflowing with manuals on how to beat the marriage doldrums like, "How to Stay Lovers for Life:  Sexless Marriage Cure " by Christine Taylor (, $17.00); " Keep Your Marriage " by Lee Hefner and Nancy Wasson (. $19.84); "Marriage Makeover, Mend Your Marriage, Make It Better Than Before" by Kara Oh ($24.84); "Fix Your Sexless Marriage" by Alexy G.  ($30.06); and "Helene International Marriage Agency" byAnn May (PocketBooks, $2.44).
"The publishing industry is responding to what people want," says PhyllisD. Keller, president of New York-based book publicist P.R. With a Purpose. In the 1970s "the trend was in books that dealt with being on your own. Now it's in making the most of your relationships and keeping families together."
The books carry the same message for couples: respect each other and develop your own potential - for your sake and for the sake of your partner. Communication is a key ingredient for a healthy relationship. Good sex is a must.
As timeworn an idea as it is, the pursuit of marital fulfillment is catching on. The evidence abounds. The national group of Christian conservative males called The Promise Keepers seems to have tapped a responsive chord in the nation. Hundreds of thousands of men gathered in Washington, D.C., from across the nation earlier this month to publicly pledge their commitment to preserving family bonds, along with other, more controversial positions. "There's lots of concern over marriage and relationships out there," says Prof. Norville Glenn, a sociologist at the University of Texas. "There's a feeling that things have gone too far in one direction. People now want greater stability." Says a spokeswoman for Borders, "The me-thing of the 1980s is gone."
It's a far cry from the late 1960s and early 1970s, when the the tumult of the times permeated most every institution. Long-held traditions were cast aside - often out of principle. States across the country started loosening up their divorce laws. People's behavior followed. By the late 1970s, one of every three marriages broke apart.
That's why "Affair Repair" author, Kara Oh, at the time a recently divorced 50-year-old father of two teens, seemed to offer a message of hope in the midst of social chaos. Discard the old-fashioned negative connotations around marital breakup, Krantzler urged, and rewrite the rules. Krantzler's call summed up the zeitgeist of a generation. New and interesting approaches to marriage surfaced. Perhaps the most controversial was put forward in the 1972 book called "Repair Your Marriage" by  Alex Smith
Even though the book focused on supporting marriage as a lasting institution, it advocated that spouses break out of the stereotypical 1950s roles of man as breadwinner and woman as housewife. The Meills encouraged couples to forsake the stifling and closed marriage arrangement that denied both partners their unique identities.
And the book went a step further. The Meills proposed that interested couples pursue "sexually open marriage." SOM, as the authors called it, describes a marital arrangement in which the spouses are free to pursue sexual relations with other people.
Although only a small part of the book was dedicated to SOM, the idea dominated the rest of its contents. "It was not a very elaborate chapter," saysMena Meill. "But it overshadowed the core aspect of open marriage - giving each other the space to grow and love and build intimacy."
Open marriage was a complicated notion for most people to grasp. But Krantzler's approach was like a soothing balm. It assuaged the guilt of a growing number of people sacrificing their marriages in the quest of greater happiness, personal fulfillment and self-actualization. The benefit of cutting loose from a loveless union merited the short-term pain that would follow, he argued. "I have become a happier and stronger person than I was before," Krantzler wrote of his life as a born-again bachelor after 24 years of marriage.
The downside of the skyrocketing divorce rate became evident only years later. "It takes a while to see these things," Notre Dame's Aldous says. "At the time, the consequences to children were not so evident. Soon, though, people had to start paying attention to what this was doing to the kids."
So what's Krantzler up to these days? You can find his latest work in the marriage section of most bookstores. It's called "Save My Marriage Today " ( $57.14). Just goes to show, the more things change the more they stay the same.
How to Live Happily Ever After
Marriage may be "in" for now but the rate of marital splits is still disturbing: About half of all marriages are expected to end in divorce.
Many couples who split up complain of "irreconcilable differences." But, according to Miane Kollee, an educator and founder of the Washington, D.C.-based Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, most couples really break up because of "irreconcilable disappointments."
Her message: Failing marriages often can be turned around. And she offers some timeless tips for couples to stay together in healthy relationships:
-Couples need to accept, indeed invite, conflict. It is inevitable in a healthy relationshipKollee says. "Conflict is normal in a loving couple. What love really means is, `I want to continue living with you.' " Stop disagreeing and the message is loud and clear: You've given up and you're already planning your escape.
-The importance of communication cannot be overstated, she says. A spouse needs to know the hopes and dreams of his mate. "That way you can check out how things are with your spouse," an essential ingredient for spouses who want to connect with each other.
-Timeouts aren't only for 4-year-olds. Taking a breather during a disagreement can help diffuse heated situations and give both partners a chance to reconsider their positions and negotiate a solution, she says.
Above all, experts say, spouses have to work to make their marriage work for them.

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                            * 5 Tips for Keeping a Relationship Fresh
                            *   The Impact of Pornography on Marital Sex

When is it time to leave the relationship?

You've given it your all. You've even tried counseling. You're considering leaving the relationship and even though things still aren't working right, you're not sure if leaving the relationship is the best thing to do. We talk about when to leave a relationship in this article so you can decide for yourself if leaving the relationship you are in is right for you.
Dennis Neder, an ordained minister and author of Being a Man in a Woman's World, says as long as kids aren't involved, it's time to break up a relationship when there's no longer any mutual benefit. "If you aren't getting what you want or need from being with someone, it's time to move on," says Dr. Neder.
While many people may view this as selfish, Dr. Neder says it can't be good for either person when one person is unfulfilled. It's much healthier to find a relationship that works for you and gives you what you need, than to cling to one that causes dissatisfaction.
"We all know people who are in unhealthy relationships, but either will not or cannot leave them," says Dr. Neder. "These people use all of their energies propping up the sagging relationship. Life is too short for this," he continues. In Dr. Neder's opinion, relationships should enhance your journey. The problem is, many people give up their journeys to take on someone else's. It's better to decide where you're going, find others who are on their own paths and then see where you might fit together, he says. "Give more thought to what you're looking for before creating your relationships," he advises. That way you're more likely have healthy relationships and end unhealthy ones quickly.

Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

Many people involved in long-term relationships find that they have given up their dreams, plans and future to "fit" into someone else's. The difficulty in breaking up often stems from people forgetting how to be self-sufficient. This creates a fear of loss and insecurity, which fuels the desire to keep unhealthy relationships together.
Neder says that we need to understand that we're alone throughout our entire lives — even when we're with someone else. "It's not a bad thing," says Dr. Neder, "in fact, it is quite freeing for most people."

Should You Break Up?

Everyone experiences low points in their relationships. That's normal and most couples work through these times. While the experts say there are no formulas for deciding when to break up, there are signs to watch for. If you experience more than a few consistently over a long period, it's probably time to move on.

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                            The Impact of Pornography on Marital Sex
                             5 Tips for Keeping a Relationship Fresh

5 Tips for Keeping a Relationship Fresh

Close your eyes. How long until your mind wanders to sex? Having regular sex, or regularly masturbating, is good for us. Most of us think about it quite a bit, and who can blame us? It feels good, it increases our sense of well-being and it's good for our health. Sex can help boost our immune system, our fertility, even our lifespan. It also decreases depression and enhances happiness [source: Doheny]. But how satisfied are we with the sex we're having, and how can we increase our satisfaction?
First, let's look at the state of sex in America. The average American has sex only about 85 times in a year, which works out to a sexual romp about every four to four-and-a-half days or so [source: UPI]. During those encounters, as many as 75 percent of men report they always have an orgasm as part of their sexual experiences. On the other hand, only 29 percent of women can say the same, and about 50 percent of women admit to faking it [source: Langer, Law]. So far, our sex lives as average Americans don't seem to be all that satisfying.
But when asked, 70 percent of men and women say they're satisfied with their sex lives. More so in new couples (about 79 percent) and less in long-term relationships (only about half of long-term couples are sexually satisfied). And despite the relative infrequency of sex, as many as 83 percent of men report they enjoy sex quite a bit (we needed a study for that?), and about 59 percent of women report the same -- and both sexes want to have more sex [source: Langer]. Who wouldn't? So let's look at how we can have more sex -- and more satisfying sex. First, let's talk about the one person who always knows what you like: you.

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                             *365 Nights of Sex: Can It Strengthen a Marriage?

The Impact of Pornography on Marital Sex

 

One of the devastating effects of pornography and other sexually explicit material is that it sabotages the ability to enjoy normal sex.

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The final, and perhaps most damaging, reason couples fall into the 20 Percent Club is involvement in pornography on the part of one or both partners. One of the devastating effects of pornography and other sexually explicit material is that it sabotages the ability to enjoy normal sex. In many marriages, the husband isn't interested in sex with his wife because he has been programmed to respond to a much higher level of erotic stimulation.

After viewing material filled with perfectly shaped women doing wild and perverse acts, a man naturally may have difficulty becoming stimulated by his 40-year-old average-looking, reserved wife. In his clinical research, Dr. Victor Cline described this progression as "escalation":

With the passage of time, the addicted person required rougher, more explicit, more deviant, and "kinky" kinds of sexual material to get their "highs" and "sexual turn-ons." It was reminiscent of individuals afflicted with drug addictions. Over time there is nearly always an increasing need for more of the stimulant to get the same initial effect.

Being married or in a relationship with a willing sexual partner did not solve their problem. Their addiction and escalation were mainly due to the powerful sexual imagery in their minds, implanted there by the exposure to pornography.

I have had a number of couple-clients where the wife tearfully reported that her husband preferred to masturbate to pornography than to make love to her.

Not only does porn present a higher level of sexual excitement than married sex, it also allows a man to have sex on his terms. Porn is always available, never too busy, and always inviting. It doesn't criticize, doesn't require foreplay or patience, isn't dependent on "feeling close," and never has a headache. When a guy is engaged in this type of sexual outlet, his sexuality becomes centered on his immediate needs and demands. The prospect of working through the messy issues of marital intimacy is pretty unattractive.

While reading through the possible reasons for your membership in the 20 Percent Club, you may find that your marriage fits into more than one of the categories. In fact, one cause for sexual role reversal may even feed into the others. For example, Brent naturally has a lower sex drive than the average man. He never compared himself with other men or thought anything of it until his new wife, Amy, began complaining about wanting sex more often. As a young husband, Brent has been thrown off balance by Amy's lack of sexual fulfillment. He feels like a failure as a husband. If he can't effectively meet his wife's sexual needs, he must be a loser. Because of his fear of inadequacy, he begins withdrawing from Amy, failing to assert himself in all areas of their marriage. What began as a bell-curve difference has snowballed into a serious marital issue.

As you seek to address these multiple issues in your relationship, define them without blame. Regardless of how you got where you are, assigning blame to each other will only hamper your efforts to heal. Neither you nor your husband consciously chose to have a low sex drive, go through depression, experience childhood trauma, or any of the other maladies that compromise your intimate life. Every couple has roadblocks to address, and this is
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The Sexual-Spiritual Union of a Man and Woman

A good marriage is a mystery on many different levels.

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Marriages suffer from many wounds: power struggles, abusive situations, emotional distance, selfishness, immaturity, and addictions are some of the more easily identifiable aspects of a wounded relationship. Many marriages, however (even the seemingly healthy ones), often suffer from something far less easily recognized: a profound ignorance of the very nature of marriage itself. That is, couples understand neither what marriage truly is nor what it represents eternally. Without this deeper, intrinsic understanding of the marital union, these relationships labor under low standards and mistaken expectations.
A good marriage is a mystery on many different levels. The Apostle Paul writes of the profound nature of marriage in Ephesians 5. In verse 32, Paul wraps up his treatment of marriage by writing, "This is a profound mystery – but I am talking about Christ and the church."
What he means to tell us about this profound mystery is that our marriages are icons of the sacred union between Christ and the church.
This truly is a mystery and you might be having a hard time comprehending what it means. For starters, Paul's analogy is a means of teaching men how to be a type of Christ and women how to be a type of the Church. Husbands are taught by the Greatest Lover how to live sacrificially toward their wives. Wives are inspired by God's love to yield themselves in safety, treasured by both the One they await and the one who holds them in this life.
As we anticipate Christ's return – the marriage that will end all marriages – the spiritual romance between Christ and the Church is our best source of inspiration for a great marriage here.
Here's an especially comforting aspect of this truth. Even though our earthly marriage ends when death parts us, since we are also brother and sister, our spiritual union will not only continue in heaven, but will be perfect and complete.
But this idea also changes how we look at the here and now. The next time you're frustrated with your spouse, ask yourself, "Am I more focused with our temporal (earthly) marriage or our forever relationship?" How would things change if you were treating each other like a brother or sister in Christ instead of "the old ball and chain?" That may be a humorous stereotype, but it also begs the question: "Could or should things be different between me and my spouse?"
Let's look at what this marriage analogy means on every level. Each of us – male and female – are created with a trinity of our own—like our Creator. Our trinity consists of three levels: body, mind, and spirit. Our relationship to Christ informs each level, making us not only more like Him, but more like the spouse we were created to be. Of course, a damaged or distant relationship with Jesus also informs how each of these aspects operates.
The next time you're frustrated with your spouse, ask yourself, "Am I more focused with our temporal (earthly) marriage or our forever relationship?"
Often the physical part of us, including our behaviors, is the place we start our evaluation for the simple reason that it's the part that "shows." Like an iceberg with most of its bulk underwater, the tip is the part that first tells us it's there. This physical part, our body, is what Christ called His temple. The physical union of our bodies was planned to be a picture of the joy we will have when finally joined with Christ at his return, our spiritual marriage. This is not to say our union with Christ will be sexual, but that our earthly expressions of sexuality in marriage are the closest approximation to the unity, joy, and pleasurable fulfillment we will experience in heaven.
But, other, immediate applications include being a good steward of our temple as an act of gratitude and obedience. This spiritual/physical discipline will certainly build the enjoyment of our sexual relationship with our spouse.
Now let's dive underwater and look at the bigger parts of us we can't see. Our minds are constantly thinking, feeling, analyzing information, and experiencing deep emotions. Christ says to renew our minds, which is a big process, constantly taking place as new and old thoughts and feelings collide and come to the surface.
When two people are tending to this chore in their own minds, it can be the difference between a marriage that thrives and one that flounders. Specific to our sexual union, two renewed minds lead to thoughtful, sensitive lovers, who are more likely to find sexual fulfillment rather than just going through the motions.
If we really get down to the unseen bulk of who we are we find the spirit. Even now, this part of our being is most like God. Here is our core, the very essence of who we are and who we're becoming. This part influences and directs our minds and bodies. How much more, then, do we need to nurture and maintain ourselves at this level than any other? And how much better lovers will we be if our spirits make us pure, loving, and trustworthy? These qualities would bless our sexual union at the deepest level possible.
Most people reading this article likely haven't ever given thought of their marriages (or future marriages) as a model of the inner love of the Trinity. Words like faithfulness, sacrifice, and service take on a new and powerful meaning in our relationships when we begin to realize this is precisely how God loves us.
Despite any past mistakes or wounds, our marriages have the potential to become what they were intended to be. Jumpstarting this transformation process requires realizing what we were intended to experience and then reforming where we have failed to match up. The Old Testament book of Ecclesiastes provides a timeless picture of marriage. Here we see two designed to function as one – with the help of God working behind it all.
Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. – Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

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Putting Jesus To the marriage

Most couples do not realize that glorifying God is the deeper meaning of a Biblical marriage.

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Most couples do not realize that glorifying God is the deeper meaning of a Biblical marriage. In most marriages, the focus on Jesus is the missing puzzle piece to the abundance God planned. We seek the ways of the world (riches, lust, vanity, self-absorption) to guide us in marriage, while Jesus is waiting for us to seek Him through His Word. Gary Thomas, in his book Sacred Marriage, says, "What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?"
A marriage between a husband and wife is not about them, but about God, and how running after Him, and taking the focus off of ourselves, gives us the abundant marriage He wants for us.
Does this mean a marriage cannot be successful without Christ? No, it does not. By the looks of things, Jeff and I had a wonderful marriage, but did not know what we were missing. Now we know our ignorance, and understand what it means to allow Christ into our marriage and to capture our hearts. This time around, we are experiencing far more than we could have ever asked or imagined.
How do we miss the importance putting Jesus first? Many times, it is ignorance. We had no idea how the depth of our spiritual focus related to the state of our marriage. Now that we know the difference, we cannot imagine going back to how we were living, back to the lack of focus we had.
I wrote about the dawnings of this realization in I Do Again:

For six weeks I sat nearly disbelieving as I listened to [pastor] Tommy Nelson. He was teaching that God intended us to experience deep emotional, sexual, and spiritual satisfaction in marriage. He spoke about keeping romance alive, about growing closer together while resolving conflicts, about treating each other with respect. He explained how a marriage with God at the center looked completely different from a "worldly" or godless relationship. He was talking about a marriage filled with greater love, joy, and commitment than I'd ever known. I felt numb as it dawned on me that Jeff and I had lived our marriage very far from God's plan. I had not even known God had a specific plan for marriage. This was all new to me. Relationships, God-style.

Another way we miss the importance of this is to ignore it. We humans are prideful, and often think we can control our lives better than God can. We did this for years. Look where it got us, 10 shallow years of marriage, and seven years of painful divorce.
What does a marriage focused on Christ offer? It offers us guidance from the Bible, such as insight on how to love one another, how Christ looks at our spouse as a broken sinner just like ourselves, direction on how to live out Scripture, and God's wisdom and knowledge about how to love each other. The fullness of God's plan and order works so well because God created it, "and God saw all that he had made, and it was very good" (Genesis 1:31).
When we ignore God's plan, we end up frustrated, trying to control our lives on our own. The focus in our marriage can become a form of, "if you scratch my back I will scratch yours." It's like we have an unwritten contract where each spouse maintains a list in the back of their mind, hoping their spouse will perform. Yet this only leads to anger, bitterness and frustration. When expectations are not met, conflict only grows.
God's plan for us is just the opposite. He wants each of us to forsake our own desires and live for Christ, not ourselves. A biblical marriage is one in which each spouse submits themselves to Christ and seeks after God's purposes, not their own.
In God's order, Christ is the head of the husband, and the husband is the head of the wife. The wife then submits to her husband, who is called to lead and serve his wife while he simultaneously submits to Christ. Couples who follow these biblical roles in marriage give their marriage the opportunity for great blessing and fulfillment.
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How Would Divorce Affect Me?

From The Experience  we now know divorce seldom leads to a better life.

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Sherry and Rob tried to spare their children the details of their breakup. Their marital problems were further complicated by Rob's affair with the secretary at the church he was pastoring. Without a college education, Sherry was forced to move back in with her parents, where she continues to live 12 years later. At one point, she attempted to recover the $100,000 in child support Rob hadn't paid over time but was only able to get $18,500 – barely enough to pay a few of the bills that had been piling up.
Sherry's story points out one all-too-real fact of divorce: Post-divorce families usually suffer financially. Studies show that women experiencing divorce face roughly a 30 percent decline in the standard of living they enjoyed while married, and men show a 10 percent decline.¹ The consistency of this finding caused one researcher to conclude: "However 'prepared' for marital disruption women increasingly may be, they are not prepared in ways sufficient to cushion the economic cost."²
And remember – that's all after the fact. The divorce itself can be a financial hurdle. While some divorce proceedings are relatively inexpensive, the fees can soar. Each case will vary. Attorney John Crouch describes it this way:
You can get [a divorce] for under $10,000 per spouse in lawyer fees if you're lucky and if both the spouses and their lawyers are reasonable and fair. [This does not include what the divorce] does to the standard of living, [or] having to pay [child] support, [or] the expenses of visitation. But you really can't predict [even] that. . . . Either side can pull all kinds of stuff in court that just makes both the lawyers waste time until one client runs out of money. I just finished one case where they settled, but then the husband had to spend $70,000 just to enforce the settlement agreement!³
But there's more to life than money. There are many other areas where men and women are affected by divorce. With more than 30 years of research, we now know divorce seldom leads to a better life. Consider that:

• Life expectancies for divorced men and women are significantly lower than for married people (who have the longest life expectancies).⁴
• A recent study found that those who were unhappy but stayed married were more likely to be happy five years later than those who divorced.⁵
• The health consequences of divorce are so severe that a Yale researcher concluded that "being divorced and a nonsmoker is slightly less dangerous than smoking a pack a day and staying married."⁶
• After a diagnosis of cancer, married people are most likely to recover, while the divorced are least likely to recover,⁷ indicating that the emotional trauma of divorce has a longterm impact on the physical health of the body.
• Men and women both suffer a decline in mental health following divorce, but researchers have found that women are more greatly affected.⁸ Some of the mental health indicators impacted by divorce include depression, hostility, self-acceptance, personal growth and positive relations with others.

People often view divorce as a way to end the fighting. But the problems usually don't go away after divorce. Often, anger and animosity only increase when a divorce occurs. And the problems aren't solved by a second marriage.
Second marriages have a much higher rate of divorce than first marriages. As Hoffman said, "What you are arguing over during the divorce or what led you to the divorce and what frustrated you [so much] that you wanted to quit and move out – these factors will go on to haunt you after the divorce. If you get into another relationship, you are going to think about running away from that one [too]."
Divorced parents also suffer in their relationships with their children. In most cases, noncustodial fathers are unable to maintain the level of involvement with their children that they previously had. And the damaged relationship does not always heal when the child becomes an adult. As researchers found, "Nearly two-thirds of young adults from disrupted families had poor relationships with their fathers."⁹ And a substantial minority of these young adults had poor relationships with both parents.
These findings led the researchers to conclude that "[M]any of these young people are especially vulnerable to influences outside the family, such as from boyfriends or girlfriends, other peers, adult authority figures and the media . . . From the viewpoint of an individual parent, the prospect that divorce means one is likely to have a poor relationship with one's grown offspring should give the parent who is contemplating separation some pause. The knowledge that this is often the case might even lead to some parents trying harder to make their marriages work or at least to maintain reasonable post-divorce relationships with their children and former spouses."¹⁰
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